Monday, November 5th, 2001 | 18:20
Somehow, I'm still being here

So mom came home today. She was in the kitchen when I came in. I told her I wasn't sure if she still lived here. It was low, but it was true and it served it's purpose. I asked her why she hasn't been around the last three weekends (Friday mornings to Monday evenings). I know why she hasn't been around. She walked around the question, saying she "has been busy the last few months, working under a lot of stress" on a paper for a conference in San Diego that either she won't go on or never existed in the first place. Later she tells me she's "in love with Steve". Steve is an old high school friend who she met at her sister's birthday party about two months ago. I told her she "couldn't live here and be in love with him". She changed the subject, giving me the "sometimes people fall out of love" speech I've been hearing since she first started cheating on my father when I was ten. I cut her off in mid-sentence, asking if there was anything new she had added to the speech. She said no and I left to console myself with this little fuckbox diary. It works well.

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I had me a vision. I was a fireman in a time of fires...I can't remember 1989. Try, but I forget what you look like. -Matthew Good Band (Sort of A Protest Song)

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Did I just coin the term "Fuckbox"?

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I don't want to be like that if this is us in control of ourselves. -Matthew Good Band (Man of Action)

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I am amused, in a very passive-aggressive self-destructive way, the way my mom comes back the evening after the morning that I started my medication again. Irony, bitch.

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I've become spectacular. -Matthew Good Band (Carmelina)

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A robot is playing in a dangerous factory gets his arm cut off.

The real War-Amps commercial:
I am Astar. I can put my arm back on. You can't. Play safe.

my brother's rendition:
I am Astar. I can put my arm back on. You can't. A HAHAHAHAHA.

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He is turning thirteen in six days. He is getting a tv. He hardly leaves the house as it is. In six days, I'll be surprised if he leaves his room for more than twenty minutes, once a day to collect the food etc. he'll need for the next twenty-four hours.

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Sometimes I try too hard to please people with this diary. *self-censorship*

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I dreamed I was a white-tip slipping through the pacific. My heart for a shipwreck and your legs left down below. -Matthew Good Band (Under the Influence)

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I dreamt the other day that I bought you a blue with red striped hat and you loved it. It made me happy. I woke and wished for sleep and lucidity.

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lucid

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